AFRICAN SINGLE MOTHERS, INCIDENCE OF EXTRA MARITAL SEX OR ADULTERY IN IRELAND.
Being a single mother from Africa in Ireland is not in any way an easy task for these women in catering for the welfare of children, despite the social welfare system which tends to alleviate the suffering and welfare of these innocent kids and single mothers. Besides being able to cater for the needs of these children, the children need their fathers, and the single mothers need their husbands or lovers in other to make a complete family in the household.
Unfortunately, some of our men are tired of their wives because their eyes are wide open, scouting for new agendas and fresh prospects, unhappy with gender equality, or the circumstances under which they met and married their wives. On the other hand, most single mothers in Ireland also feel tired of their husbands because they are independent, tired of their men’s behaviours and general conducts or abuse in the family, the issues of social welfare incentives, or feel abandoned and betrayed by their husbands back home. To some African women these days, their husbands are now like rats and cockcroaches in their eyes, and they find it extremely difficult to go to bed with them, living like cats and dogs in the same house only for the benefits of their children.
Worse still, are the silent voices of most children who yearn for their fathers, remotely rooted in their psychological feelings, attitudes, social behaviours, and pains which they bear in their hearts; and this seem to create a divide in the family. This in turn create a kind of uncertain frustration in their mothers, many of whom have become alcoholics, smokers, and party mongers, which in turn lead many of them into casual sex, adultery, and extra-marital sex as a past time, or a way of life to overcome the storms and stress in their lives.
There is a certain form of vulnerability in these single mothers, their need to be touched, kissed, loved, an expression of sexual needs and desires to procreate which most men in Ireland take advantage of in the circle of extra-marital activities which today have grown into abominable proportions in the African communities in this country.
In the midst of all these, there are other external factors which act in concert to complicate extra marital activities. These includes infidelities, loneliness, need to have more babies and claim more money for social welfare, need for self determination, pride and arrogance, gender equality, and the complex situation of residency or paper matters which make people lose their sense of vanity in their search for social security, or golden fleece.
All these complexities and complicity tend to make our people forget where we come from, our traditional beliefs and values, and all those ethical conducts which make us as Africans different and distinct from other nations of the world. In breaking the moral precepts of our customs and traditions, we seem to forget that extra marital sex or adultery is a very serious crime, an abomination, that “Thou Shall Not Commit Adultery”. This law in the Holy Bible does not exempt us from this grave evil because we are now in Ireland or Europe.
While many men and women have lost their minds and fallen ill or die without knowing why?; or become insane thinking it is home problems, or live very unhappy and unfulfilled lives filled with misfortunes, sorrow, tears and blood, we must not fail to question ourselves if adultery or extra marital sex is a good thing? If committing adultery or engaging in extra marital sex is moral for our spiritual growth and human development in this country? We must query ourselves if this evil will better our lives and bring us abundance of great fortunes which we seek in this land?
It is however true that many men and single mothers go to the church, events, social gathering, and parties in search for love and relationships, while others are praying feverently not to fall into this temptation; at the same time lamenting, desirous, miserable, wishing they could enjoy their lives like those who engage in casual sex, burning with desires for extra marital sex, at the same time praying against that which they do not want, yet they want, and do not wish they want what they wish to want.
It is like praying to God with a double mind, because though they do not wish to commit adultery, they are miserable and very frustrated and unhappy in the confusion of controllable and uncontrollable desires of the human flesh. This unhappiness and misery is written all over their faces and body language, because many of them are not worshipping God in truth or in joy of the situation they have found themselves. “A woman with two to four kids naturally have the need for sex after so many years alone in exile as a single mother”. This is understandable, their frustration and anger in the face of Christianity and religion which they now use as their beacon of hope to cover up for their missed opportunities and sexual desires.
Hence, many of them have become submarines, carrying the Holy Bible on their heads, at the same time having casual sex, extra marital sex, and committing adultery in secret under the cover of darkness in their lives. These submarines have become undercover agents of sex and soul, seeking only companions who are very quiet introverts, those men who can keep their mouths shut. Even in asylum hostels, only very quiet men have as many women as they wish without anyone knowing about it. Only very quiet guys find women these days in the African communities in Ireland.
True joy and happiness cannot be hidden on any face, and only a few of our men and women who have dedicated themselves fully and truly to God can be seen these days living in truth and joy, happy and rejoicing in truth and worship to the service of God. These few men and women among us can easily be identified in our African communities in the way they behave themselves, in their attitudes and general conducts among our people. It is good to rejoice in the Lord in the face of missed opportunities and frustrations of life. True joy and happiness comes from within.
Traditional ethics, especially those from a religious viewpoint, have tended to see sexuality, adultery, extra marital sex, and sexual relations as requiring their own morality, with the focus being on a restrictive sexual ethic. These perspectives seek to show that the purpose of sex is not one of physical pleasure but rather to bring about some external goal- be it an expression of love or a means of procreation in a marriage or matrimony. Such theories condemn any sexual act that does not fulfill this goal as deviant, perverse or immoral. As such then, causal sex, extra marital sex or adultery is deemed as immoral as it is sex that is divorced from love or the possibility of procreation or marriage.
To determine whether an action to engage in relationship is good or evil, right or wrong, we must learn to take into account three components involved in this action. The first is the intention that motivates the action, the second is the effect the doer experiences consequent to the action, and the third is the effect that others experience as a result of that action.
If the intention is good, rooted in positive mental qualities such as love, compassion, and marriage, if the result to the doer is wholesome (for instance, it helps him or her to become more compassionate and unselfish), and if those to whom the action is directed also experience a positive result thereof, then that action is good, wholesome, or skillful.
If, on the other hand, the action is rooted in negative mental qualities such as uncontrollable desire and selfishness, if the outcome experienced by the doer is negative, sinful and unpleasant, and if the recipients of the action also experience undesirable effects from the action or feel a sense of infidelity and betrayal of trust, then that action is unwholesome, sinful or unskillful.
As Africans living in Ireland, we must stop to engage in extra marital sex and adultery. We must not forget where we come from, our customs and traditions, our values and virtues, and remember that what we do in secret have its own consequences that will hunt us the rest days of our lives. This evil of adultery is sinful and abominable, and can lead to serious consequences and misconceptions about the law of ‘kamma or natural justice’, and loss of moral consciousness. What goes around comes around to hunt our destiny.
This is why stopping all these evils of extra marital sex and adultery are necessary in the practice of moral discipline, and the need to obey the “Ten Commandments: they provide definite rules or guidelines and help to avoid some of the confusion that empirical observation and social conventions may entail in the civilized world.
The laws of Moses are based on the laws of God and natural justice, and they reflect such eternal values as compassion, respect, self-restraint, honesty, and wisdom. These are values that are cherished by all civilizations, and their significance is universally recognized. Moral laws that are based on such values or directed toward their realization will always be relevant to human society, no matter to what extent it has developed. Moreover, their validity can be empirically tested on the basis of one's own sensitivity and conscience, which are beyond factors of time and place